Back in October of last year I posted a very reflective update about my
filmmaking ‘journey’ and the frustrations I experienced. Now, halfway through
the following year, five films have since been produced and released, with four
of them being made in 2019. Two are animations, three are live action.
Undoubtedly, my hunger and desire to produce great movies continues unabated.
However, my frustrations and a growing sense of disappointment hasn’t
diminished, unfortunately. In fact, in many respects, it’s been exacerbated.
My writing, which is my source of income, continues to develop and new
ideas flourish. I am so prolific that I have to consciously ‘turn off the tap’
to stop further ideas from arising. I have never struggled for ideas and I
rarely suffer, if at all, with a lack of confidence or belief when putting
the pen to the page. That’s not to say I think my writing is fantastic and
everything I produce is amazing. The point is, I rarely suffer with self-doubt
and a feeling of despair once something is finished. However, words are easy to edit and the ideas articulated are easily refined, rewritten or
simply removed. So, the process is considerably easier than the actual process
of filmmaking.
I know I’m not alone in experiencing ‘issues’ when filmmaking and the
best laid plans invariably change and/or are compromised due to circumstances
often beyond a filmmaker’s control. That is to be expected and, in many
respects, can be exciting to a degree. It does actually make the process ‘fun’,
in a masochistic way. Conversely, all kinds of glorious quirks and unexpected
things occur organically and add to a movie’s individual ‘magic’ during its
production. All of that is good, of course, however there is plenty which can
go wrong; destructively wrong, and unfortunately, I’ve experienced this a lot
in the last three live action productions.
Animation is a different proposition and comes with its own amount of
issues and pitfalls. Most obvious is that I’m not really an animator; not in
the purist sense. The difference, and this is the main reason why I sometimes
revert to the medium, is that with animation I usually have total control over
the whole process and can oversee all aspects (as individual pieces) to create
the final movie. However, this is not ideal. Coincidentally, my true filmmaking
‘voice’ is articulated far more readily and easily through my animations.
Essentially, as I’ve always said, this is usually because I am not hampered or
restricted by the confines of budget and location. There are other reasons, I
guess, but anyway… Sometimes, I just really enjoy my own company. I've always been a bit of a loner.
So, live action… A conundrum. I love to direct; however, I am not a
technical director who does and even wants to be involved in handling cameras
or lenses, but I sometimes have to. That said, I always have a strong vision
and a definite appreciation of the aesthetic I wish to convey. Furthermore, as
I trained as an actor (and have been a performer) I enjoy working with actors
to craft the movie and honing performances in a way I imagined. I like to think
I have some real qualities here.
The trouble is, and it is entirely my fault and is probably endemic
with indie filmmaking, is that I take on too much responsibility, which
ultimately dilutes my ability to concentrate properly on what my real focus is
(or indeed should be). Now, I’m sure I’m not alone in performing this juggling
act and I must concede that many others are probably a lot more adept at it
than me. I don’t know. There is great reliance on your collaborators when
producing films and so much can go wrong. Therefore, getting everyone to dance
to your tune, in a way you imagined and want it, is the real trick to
directing. So far, regrettably, I believe I have failed. I am highly organised
and take time to prepare my movies – working with the director of photography
to produce shot lists etc. and working with composers to create the score. I
immerse myself in the creative process of the film. I am confident that I do
this well. However, things that are clearly lacking are a proper, recognised
producer to oversee the production and a First AD to assist, so that I’m not
ultimately pulling everything together and running several jobs. So often,
plans go ‘off piste’. Again, I appreciate this is symptomatic of independent
filmmaking.
However, I am often surprised and, in many ways embarrassed, when I
watch the credits roll on other filmmaker’s films and see a long list of
contributors, whereas on mine there are usually a handful. We do well,
undoubtedly. That’s a positive – clearly! This is small-time and we have
success. I fund these movies entirely from my own earnings. The flip side is
that so much more could be achieved with more assistance (and obviously, bigger
budgets to afford that).
Anyway, it is again, with renewed impetus and a lot of lessons learned,
that I’m dusting myself down and forging ahead on new projects. Inquests have
occurred; decisions have been made and so, with a little less naivete and a bit
more help, we go again.
Thanks must go to everyone who has given their precious time and skill
to work on the movies produced so far, but clearly I must ‘step up my game’. The
movies produced are now ‘out there’ but with serious misgivings and ‘issues’ in
abundance. This really annoys, frustrates and depletes me, quite honestly. I
take full responsibility though, as I have put myself forward as both director
and producer of these films. This must change.
Unfortunately, since my October
post, some of the same problems have been allowed to occur. That is truly
unforgiveable. I can accept that not everyone will like my stuff, in terms of
the story and style. In many respects, I don’t care. However, to have movies
with so many technical failings is hard to take.
New movies have been written with the aim of keeping things entirely
manageable and controllable, so that my work can be crafted as close to my
desired intention and vision as possible. Ultimately, I aim to get my ‘true
voice’ heard. We’re not quite there yet, but strides will be made.
All I can say is, I’ll be back after a much-deserved break and the new
movies will be great. They must be…
